I had to ask my husband last night, “Did you know you were marrying a crazy woman when you said yes?” Being a smart husband of a crazy woman, he just smiled, hugged me and let the water works flow.
It’s not my fault really….the crying anyway. I’m pretty sure that when I became a mother someone injected my tear ducts with steroids. Everything, and I mean everything, sets me off.
Last night was my tipping point though. I had a rough day at work. Between dropping my pumping bra in the parking garage and having to ask 3 different building managers for its where-abouts (“Has anyone turned in a pink s&m-looking ace bandage?”) to having my computer crash in the middle of my 569th post about Kim Kardashian’s butt, I was in a fragile state. All I wanted was to get home to my baby. I decided to take Norah (aforementioned baby) up to the wading pool. A little sunshine & splashing around in some luke warm, over -chlorinated water would do us some good. That’s when it happened.
An acquaintance saw me, waved energetically & bounced over to where I was. “How are you?” she asked with a smile plastered ear to ear. “I’m go…” but before I could finish the “od” , I felt my face go flush, my bottom lip quiver and I knew it was over. I started crying in the middle of the park, surrounded by screaming toddlers in swimmer diapers and mothers gossiping about the latest trend in baby strollers.
I bit my cheek and pulled myself out of what could have been an avalanche of emotion to respond, “I’m having a hard time. ” Duh, obvious police here. I was always told that motherhood would be hard. What I wasn’t told was that it’s not exactly motherhood that’s hard but the combination of motherhood, career-hood, marriage-hood, myself-hood, all-other-life-hood that is hard. Add to that that as soon as you describe it as “hard”, its HARD not to sound like you’re complaining.
I’m not complaining. I have the most beautiful, healthy, brilliant baby daughter, more love than I thought existed in the world, an awesome job, a husband who is supportive and kind and the best dad I’ve ever seen, a house that is a home, dear girlfriends that are like sisters, a sister who is my best friend, parents that would do anything for me and a list of things I’m grateful for that would stretch 1,000 football fields. My “new mom bliss” moments definitely outweigh the “what the hell am I doing” moments but that doesn’t seem obvious when I’m standing in the middle of the park with puffy tear filled eyes & a snotty nose.
Is it too late to just blame the hormones?
As a new mom (me) talking to a seasoned mother (her), I didn’t need to explain. It’s hard to imagine that this bubbly, seeming-to-have-it-all-together mother-of-2 ever felt this flooded with emotion…but she had.
She chuckled at me a little and just simply said, “Oh honey. Yo’re ok, this is normal. We all go through it.”
We do???? This emotional hurricane of overwhelming love & self pity, worry & joy, defeat & pride is “normal”. That’s not a question mark that’s a revelation. Her simple words made everything feel so much better. It’s really amazing what a little comradery will do. There was a light at the end of the new-mother-insanity-tunnel.
So does my husband know he married a crazy person? I’m going to take a stab in the dark and say yes. There’s good news though, it won’t last forever. I’ve been told we’ve only got 18 more years to go.